Written – from the Monsoon in Antigua
For the past 3 days I’ve been sitting looking at my computer screen, not even really knowing where to start, getting eaten alive by repellent; repellent Ninja bloody mosquitos,! I got bitten tonight between my fingers. Do you believe that.. I mean the Nasty bastard, He couldn’t just be happy with my leg or behind the knee, oh no, he went all out and got me right where it hurts.
But battling through all those adversities, finally tonight…..
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I will begin…
A very wise old man once said to me, James, in life there are very strict rules to the game your are playing. That wise man, always bloody right! So annoying, He even said I shouldn’t been taking this time off now, I should be working, working working!!!
I remember the exact moment actually, was about 1am at the KFC drive through at Beckton; you know just off the A13 roundabout.
The wise man and I both quite partial to a chicken zinger burger. Many a lesson has been learn over the colonels secret receipt, let me tell you!
He explained to me that in life, there are three wishes, A Hot Lover, Hot Apartment, Hot Job. And at any one time , no matter what , no matter who you are, you can only have two of them. Just two at any one time.
But what does the wise old man know anyway! Fool!
The last few months have been pretty crazy. I’ve been working my socks off out and my Acting Career has gone from strength to strength, shooting my first short movie in Alaska with a bear! And even got a proper real agent now and everything.
Although sadly, even though my Mum’s friend Michelle and Auntie Doreen were convinced I should be; I didn’t get Christian Grey.
Do find it slightly unnerving that Auntie Doreen sees me in that way though. I always new Michelle was a cheeky little minx!
Anyway two weeks ago now I decided I didn’t like New York anymore, it was cold, the women thought you were a nutter if you tried to show any sign of commitment and I lived in a room the size of a shoe box which I had to ask my Dad to pay an arm and a leg for and it had a wooden floor that was like being on a hill and a squeaky bed that was like on shopping trolly wheels. Can you just picture that for a second…
I almost turned into Christian Grey myself, tying her to the bed and the bed to the wall so we wouldn’t fall off. Now great with slip knots though if Nautica where ever to call for there next ad campaign..
So with that I packed my trunk, said goodbye to the Circus, had my friend Chris come and help me carry all my boxes down to Fed Ex and was on the next flight out to LA.
All the while having the old wise mans words in the back of my head of course.
I was thinking there must be a way round it. He can’t always be right! Can he? I want 3 wishes. Not 2!
Now me and the old wise man, speak pretty much every day, where ever I am in the world any time of the day and night; I’ve actually just set him up on twitter now @edwardthebutler so I just tweet him, changing times and all, you know.
So I get to Los Angeles on the Sunday Morning, find my dream apartment that afternoon and that night go out to this random bar and meet the most beautiful creature I’ve ever met, this Australian chick, Shelia.
I think Australians are secretly trying to take over the world. They woo the rest of us with their cute little accents and butter us up with the BBQ ribs and spit roasted chickens, then just when they have you right where they want you, bang they Gobble you up.
And you end up following them around like a love sick puppy helpless with them in total control! Be careful you have been warned!
Anyway, so it’s all going to plan, I’m loving my new apartment, I take myself off to Ikea buy myself a nice solid bed that’s not on wheels and a rug to go under it, some nice bar stalls to round my little kitchen breakfast bar and a TV. Not had one of those in years. Apparently I have to start watching more shows if that’s my job now.
I have an amazing week of meetings, seeing all the top heads in the acting game over there, still loving my apartment and Shelia even volunteered to help me build all my Ikea furniture, then I get a call from London offering me a job Advertising a super Yacht shooting in Antigua.
I couldn’t believe my luck, things like this don’t normally happen to me. I’m clumsy and say the wrong things and always the other guy on option, I didn’t know what the hell was going on, I tweeted the old wise man, I couldn’t believe it!
I had broken the rule I had all 3 wishes, turns out the old wise man wasn’t always right after all….
To tell you the truth I was exhausted, it had been quite the two weeks, so I tweeted the wise old man to see what he thought of the idea of me going out to Antigua a few days earlier to put my feet up a little bit before the craziness of Pilot season.
He wasn’t impressed but I did it anyway. After all he wasn’t always right. Was he….
By this point a week or so had gone by, I was loving life in LA, it’s sunny and my bed didn’t roll across the floor, I made friends with the nice Italian man in the restaurant around the corner who makes the most exquisite chocolate cakes, I started to adapt to the LA lifestyle, I went on my first ever hike, I started drinking juices and saying things at the start of a passage of speaking like, “I feel like… “ and “Here’s the thing!”
And that’s when the wheels started to fall off.
That night I go to surprise Shelia at the end of a night out, she’s in some nightclub with her friends.
Now of course I don’t know anyone as just moved to LA, so I roll up outside the club, explain to the nice friendly man on the door that my girl was inside and I would please; if he would be so kind, like to enter.
The Bastard made me wait for an hour and a half before he let me in around 1.30 with the club finishing at 2am.
Writing this now, what the Hell was I thinking!! Waiting outside a club to get into see a girl on my own like Billy no mates for an hour and a bloody half. It’s Crazy!! But I told you, those Aussies cast a spell on you!
The nice friendly man who again I will not name finally agrees to let me in and I go in and takes me about 10 mins to find Shelia as the club starts to thin out.
She doesn’t seem all that excited to see me though, somethings different, we have a drink together and she’s acting a little off, of course I didn’t mention I had just been standing outside all night trying to get in just to see her, I just play it cool like and then she pops it to me…
She’s decided to move back to Australia!!
I mean it only had been 10 days but I’m telling you they have the magical powers, I cut deep!
Of course I sent a tweet back to London.
The next evening I pack my bags all set for my modelling job in Antigua, trying to put the disappointment of losing Shelia behind me, excited about putting my feet up and having a few days to unwind before my shoot.
11 hours later I arrive in Antigua, the sun is shining and its beautiful and then just as I get my bag of the convery-belt; the phone rings and it’s London on the phone.
“Hi James, You not going to Believe this….”
No I’m probably not, Go on..
“The shoot has been cancelled!”
And at that very second the Heavens Opened and it’s not stopped raining since!!
I’ve never seen so much rain in my life!! It’s a Monsoon!
I’m waiting for an Ark to rock up any minute with a dude with along beard!
So now I’m stuck here getting attacked by the Ninja Mosquitos downing my sorrows with copious amounts of red stripe.
In Conclusion, The old wise man is always right!
Do I tell him or not…
@edwardthebutler shoots going great Eddie, sending lots of love