Jammy Taylor

nutmare before christmas

nutmare before christmas

Written – 25/12/2014

It’s Christmas day night, had a lovely day with Mum and Dad, it always nice to come home to Essex and see everyone, put my Christmas Onsie on that I wear at no other time of the year and live in it for a few days straight, infact I haven’t taken it off in 3 days now. It’s so comfortable.

Christmas on Canvey Island in the Taylor Household is always the same, we always end up next door in Auntie Annie’s, who’s not actually my Auntie like my Auntie Doreen is, no; but more like a second Mum and in fact; she is my Mums best friend.

She always cooks a mountain of food at Christmas time, like not just Christmas day; like the whole week of Christmas, turkey, pork, beef, chicken, pizza, sausage rolls, the lot!! There is always a house full of people to look after, it’s just our thing and its been that way as long as I can remember.

The only thing is and 29 years in, she always forget I’ve got a Nut Allergy and starts offering them out to everyone before I clock in out of the corner of my eye, and explode into a hissyfit and get them all banned and locked away in the cupboard again immediately and send everyone off to wash there hands, before we can continue playing Monopoly.

Come to think of it, even my own father who knows that I impose a strict , No Nut rule anywhere in my family home, thinks just because I’m living mostly 7,000 miles away in Los Angeles it’s ok to flaunt the nut rules. I mean, it’s not!!! EVER!

Anyway I survived another Christmas now and I’m starting to get myself ready for the new Pilot season out in LA. .

I just moved apartment last week, before I came back home for Christmas and this is where todays story begins….

So I’m out looking for a new place, I got bitten in bed by a spider last week and woke up with my bottom double the size and that bastard crawling past my pillow and decide after squashing him with old modelling portfolio; that maybe time to find a new less spider infested home.

So I’m looking around with this estate agent (realtor ) at all these properties and I finally found one I liked, really nice modern complex, with a nice view and the outdoor gym area and a pool and whilst I’m on the way up, I see this really sexy girl laying by an otherwise empty pool in this tiny little bikini, making a call on her phone.

Anyway as I come back down again after signing the new lease on my new home; I take on more look by the pool to see if she was still there and she was but still on the call, so there was no way of talking to her. Oh well, I thought.

So I give it one last look around the pool, trying to make myself look busy, when all of a sudden, she sits up holds her call and says to me, “Hey, your cute, you should take me out sometime!”

I was shocked, Emm,” Hi I’m James”. No one has ever been so forward with me before. But then again this was LA, anything can happen.

I couldn’t believe my luck, I had found this amazing apartment and had this amazing hot girl, stop her phone girl to ask me out, I mean it was Christmas after all but really..

So I go meet my mate Chris for lunch and were chatting about it, I show him my spider bite and my new apartment and tell him about this Mermaid I saw by the pool and we do what anyone does now days and type her name into Instagram.

And we started going through her pictures and all of a sudden, he stopped me and starts laughing.

I was like what? What’s funny?? He was like, James, I recognise that girl, she’s a Porn Star.

Oh no, your kidding me, well that’s that then I thought, but he was like what are you talking about, you have to go out with her for at least one drink just for curiosity.

I still wasn’t sure, but after a few drinks and some research ;) Some Dutch Courage I decided to drop her a txt and asked if she wanted to grab a coffee with me tomorrow.

She replied and said how about she pops over for coffee at mine tomorrow after her Spin class.

At this point, Chris starts cracking up and I start to get a little cold feet.

I wont lie I was pretty nervous, I didn’t know what to expect but Chris was going on and on and said he wouldn’t talk to me if I didn’t do it. It’s Everymana fantasy appare ntly!! So eventually I agreed.

Around 11am the next morning, there was a knock on the door and in she walked in the tight gym gear. She was stunning and she came in and we sat and chatted for about 15 minutes and then she excused herself and when to the bathroom. At which point I txt Chris and was like what the Hell have you got me into!!!

She then comes out the bathroom and before I knew what hit me; like a Typhoon she started kissing me, she then leads me out to the balcony and all the while in complete control of the situation, I was like a lamb to the slaughter, she turns to me, whispers something in my ear and……


Mum stop reading this now!

Starts to unbutton my trousers and begins to do something I will not talk about to me…

I’m there in disbelief, looking down at her smiling up at me, thinking how the hell is this happening. A Porn Star!! Yesterday I was being viciously attacked by a Spider and today… well!!

All was right in the world, I actually saw Weho Jesus but then all of a sudden, I started to feel a really funny feeling in my lips. They started to tingle….

I look down again at her smiling up and I give her a half smile back, all the while hand up touching my every expanding lips.

Simultaneously I started to get a strange feeling down there.

My head dropped as the realisation of what was happening took hold.

OH NO, are you kidding me….

I place my hand on her shoulder in order to get her attention, She’s somewhat startled and is like, “What? don’t you like it?”

And I’m like no… It’s not that

Emmm, how do I put this….

I’m really sorry and im not trying to be funny, but

“Have you ate any Nuts today?”