Jammy Taylor

lay on your back and think of trees

Written – it takes one to know one!

They say things happen for a reason, and I honestly believe they do.  That’s why when I was in the gym the other week and this hot brunette walked past me, “yes I did say brunette”, I decided to leave the chin up bar and wonder on across to those cycle thingies.

You know the ones that don’t actually move, where you all crowd around one person in the middle and he plays techno music really loud from a 80’s style ghetto blaster and shouts at everyone until they go week at the knees and cry out for mercy, well at least I did.

Anyway, I hopped on the bike next to her, and the class began. I tell you what, it was enough bloody hard work, I must have been the least fittest person there, im a runner not a cyclist, these guys were all pros.

I tried to get here attention as we were going along, but she was so focused; mesmerised by the man in the middle shouting orders, even my best efforts went un-rewarded, until finally during one of the little come down breaks, when the man in the middle gave it a rest for two mins and stopped shouting at us all, I did manage to catch her eye and managed to mutter something to her, and she kinda smiled back.

Anyway, after the class, I managed to get her attention again, and we made a bit of brief small talk, and I’m not quite sure to this day how, but I managed to get her number, and of course as I never go anywhere without my phone glued to my side, was able just to punch it straight in.

We txted each other for the next few days and eventually arranged to meet up. Now I knew this girl was a bit of a health freak, after all she did that spinning class stuff, so I decided to take her to that chicken place, “Nandoes”, I’ve seen all those adverts for it, they do all that healthy kinda stuff.

So I picked her up and we went for dinner, she was gorgeous and seemed happy enough to be there. She had a little chicken wrap, I had my ten wing platter with a corn and peri peri fries and I thought it went rather well, she even was quite understanding when I said she wasn’t allowed the peri peri nuts they try and flog you at the start.

The only thing was, this girl spoke so bloody fast, I couldn’t understand a bloody word she was saying, not a dickey bird, I just sat looking at her the whole time, watching her lips move, concentrating trying to get a slight grip on what on earth she was on about, with an expression on my face like I was on the toilet; squinty eyed, open mouthed; like I was catching flies.

Every single sentence of hers just seem to run in to the next, it was mind boggling, in the end I just had to nod and smile and of course being the gent, that I am, I made her do all the talking, which was really asking for it.

As I dropped of her home, with a little kiss on the cheek, she got out the car and as the door slammed, I gave her a brief wave and drove off, thinking, “well I won’t see her again.” But that’s when it hit me!

Fucking hell! That’s me! That’s what I do, everyone must think I’m a right raving bloody Looney.

So with that, the very next day, I was surfing the net to find myself a voice coach. And later that afternoon, I had my very first class. The lady on the phone, told me, that I indeed did speak really very fast, and I though bloody hell, “she’s good, she knew that already” and told me to come in a tracksuit, so I was relaxed and ready to start the treatment.

So a couple of hours later, I arrive at her door, in my tracksuit, which I’ve not worn since I was about 15, so it was all a little small.

She was very welcoming and had a very defined strong voice, I guess she’s was in her mid to late the 50s, was pretty hot though, “opps, is that wrong to admit that?” so I was gutted that I was standing there looking like a chavv in my tracksuit, unable to speak properly and all going a bit red, to be honest I didn’t have much going for me really.

But she was very calming, and we sat down, and she gave me a glass of water, rather than a coke, as she though this might help.

The next thing I knew she had disappeared off into a back room and re-appeared a couple of seconds later in this figure hugging leotard, holding two rolled up foam mats.

Unrolling them on the floor and telling me to lay down next to her on my back and close my eyes, At this point I was thinking, that maybe my tracksuit hadn’t put her off after all, maybe she was into that, and then before I could even think of anymore inappropriate thoughts, she started reading my a story, a very happy story, which I had to imagine in my head; there were trees and meadows and sheep and the sun was shining, and after I was suitable sedated, we starting making humming noised together to work on my breathing and getting me to use my full diaphragm and take in deep breathes to keep calm and relaxed.

This went on for about thirty minutes or so before she brought me back round again with another glass of water and then we started reading some tongue twisters, like, “Mavis the marvellous musician made light work of men in Marlborough” but to my surprise, it was maybe for the first time ever in my I’ve able to read out loud without my tongue falling out my mouth and tripping over every single word, rushing them out as fast and as many as I can before running out of air and having to take a gasp for breathe.

This woman was amazing, I mean granted, I’m nowhere near ready yet to go and address the UN council and tell them my views on the world but just maybe next time I’m in the queue at the fish and chips shop and I try and talk to the girl next to me, she won’t smile and run out the shop without even ordering any of her food like the normally do.

I mean just think of how many girls I’ve scared off in the past because they thought I was a completely insane or obviously on something; when all it was, was that I was a little mixed up and wasn’t breathing correctly.

I told you everything happens for a reason, See!, If I hadn’t of met that nutter bird at the gym, I would of never known.

I can’t wait to see my voice coach next week, I might even go and buy a new tracksuit so I have all the proper kit. Apparently next week, were doing yoga.

I’ll keep you posted on that one ‘)

Na night