Jammy Taylor

ill start again on monday

Written – whilst on Larda airways to Moscow

With Summer fast approaching I’ve been trying to be good and cut out some of the rubbish out of my diet and get myself really in tip top shape ready to get back in my speedosonce more.

The trouble is…

I’m addicted to sweet things. Drugs, smoking, any of the girls from the only way is Essex or that other show with the fake rich birds, not interested but show me a twirl and I’ll bite your arm off.

Now more than ever, I really do need to start being good especially as my personal trainer has selfishly gone off to have a baby, so now I’m left all to my own devices in the gym which doesn’t consist of me getting all that much done. 

It’s been a couple of weeks now since the split from the girlfriend and I’m starting to find my feet again, is hard though when you spend so much time with someone to then have no contact with them but, I’ve been keeping myself pretty busy with work though, in fact, I’m just on my way to Moscow as we speak to play some Wham and Abba to the Russians, but I wont lie, it’s been crap. I’m lonely and seem to have completely forgotten how to chat up a girl.

I did actually meet this girl I quite liked in the gym, I say meet, she was the girl who does the memberships She didn’t look all that much in a suit, but put her in a pink leotard and she was cracking, straight out of Baywatch.

I went to great lengths to get her attention and find a way of getting to talk to her, even making my trainer use the machine right next to her when she was training, even at times when she was on those machines that only work the insides of your legs; you know which really only girls use, but she never even looked over the once, until one day I decide to take the ball by the horns and to go over and say hi when she’d stopped for air and water at one of the fountains.

We spoke for a couple of minutes, turns out we were neighbours; who would of known and arranged to go for a drink later that weekend. I  dropped her a txt a few days later to confirm for a our drink on the weekend and then nothing, not a dickie bird.

I’ve seen her in the gym since and she just completely blanked me, just pretended to be really busy showing her next victim round the gym leaving me stranded hanging from the pull up bar, deflated. So now, not only do I have no trainer, I’ve also got to get a new gym as to avoid the complete embarrassment of getting shut down.

You see, It’s just not working very well for me at the moment, But I always have my Dad to sit down with me and talk some sense into me and make me see that I’m not all that hard done by after all.

I run pretty much everything past my Dad, whether it be; Dad I really want to buy a new car or Dad I’ve got a rash, he’s been around the block a few times and knows me better than anyone, so on Friday we decided to go for dinner and have a good old catch up.

There is this new fish restaurant opened up by my house, it was being built for what seemed like an eternity, I used to run past it everyday and always said to the ex that we should try it, well she’s gone now and I still wanted to go, so I thought that it would be perfect to take Dad.  Much cheaper for me too.

So we get to the restaurant go in sit down, at this point I was still on my health kick, so I had the grilled cod with a side salad, no fizzy drink or chips, we start chatting and it turns out that, when Dad left school his first job was working pealing potatoes in a fish shop and turns out that it was the same chain as the one we were in.

My Dad being my Dad, calls over the manager of the restaurant and tells him this story, the manager is as old as my Dad is and they had a little reminisce about old times, and the way is was, but whilst all this was going on, I clock this table of girls behind where we were sitting. 

About 7 of them, couple of older ones and about 5 around the same age as me, one of them was gorgeous although when she spoke she squeaked.  And not even a little bit, loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear; she sounded like Minnie mouse.  No Really!!

Anyway so me and Dad finally after he stopped with the other old timer had a good little chat, I discovered that I was ready to carry on and leave the gym bird behind me,  ate my cod, Dad had his wing of skate and a shandy, and as we were getting the bill and gettingready to leave, the manager comes back and says that actually the daughters and the granddaughters of the owner who my Dad used to work for were in tonight and would love to say hello and points over to the table with Minnie on it.  They all look up and smile and we have no choice, so over we go. 

We getting chatting and Minnie is squeaking away, she was pretty hot although maybe best of a bad bunch and her Mum was chatting away with Dad.

After about 20 minutes or so I get a kick under the table from Dad and it’s time to go I wasn’t getting anywhere anyway, so we say our goodbyes and head for the exit.

Now on this occasion Dad hadn’t brought his Range Rover but instead had brought his girlfriends little white girly convertible thingy and me being me,  I love to drive anything, so I made Dad let me drive it home.

So there we are putting the roof down, my Dad all squashed up in the passenger seat already clinging on to the handles ready for me to drive back to mine, when none other than, Minnie comes running out the restaurant, up to the car.

Making some smarmy remark like, “oh you’re a hairdresser?” of which I couldn’t get the words out fast enough to explain it wasn’t mine and I was just testing it out but she didn’t want to hear it, and then she’s says.

Can I have your number?

I was thinking, I mean you’re a bit squeaky but yeah your hot and phew I’ve finally got my mojo back.


But then before I could say anything, she turns to my Dad and asks again when he didn’t reply, “As my Mum thinks your really Hot”!

I was mortified.

Firstly I was never going to hear the end of it and more importantly this dinner was meant to cheer me up not send me deeper into the spiral.

Luckily Dad already has a girlfriend and duly declined.

I drove back to mine said goodnight to Dad and caved in, It’s been a weekend binge ever since, KFC, Curry, chocolate, Lucazade and I promised myself last night though I would start over and find my feet again, but after just writing this and re-living it, the vivid memories have all just come flooding back so I’ve just had a huge cheesecake to try and prise me out of it, so much for the diet.

Oh well, I guess ill have to start again next Monday

Na night – спокойная ночь