Jammy Taylor


“Written in the Garage – Canvey Island”

It’s New Year’s Eve. And I’m off to work in a few hours, so you would think I would be getting ready to have it large, getting myself all hyped up; well that may come later but now I’m sitting at my desk finishing this.

I actually started writing this yesterday. I was in the gym when the idea popped into my head.  I even got quite excited about what I was going to say; compiling all the funnies as all the ideas started to come together and then out of nowhere, whilst getting dressed to come home, there he was standing. A man with a really hairy back and I just thought to myself, God, I’m so lucky.

I mean I do have my own issues like:  no-one can understand a word I’m saying when I talk and I wash my hands more in one hour than the average man does in one week and then I could go on to say how when I lock my car I have to go back 5 times to make sure it’s locked or the fact that whenever I see a mirror I feel compelled to look in it and put on a silly face, but at least when God created me he left the hairy back box unchecked. Phew.

Anyway, Christmas. Wel,l it’s nearly all over again for another year.  The little tiny bit of snow we had has melted away, the tree will be down next week and I just know my Dad is going to try and rope me into taking down the great big stupid flashing reindeer in the back garden. I told him not to buy it; we’ve have been the laughing stock of the street this year. 

My Dad does love an ornament or a gnome, especially if it flashes. Thank God that’s one trait that didn’t get passed down to me.

Christmas changes as you get older. It’s just not … well, the same anymore since I found out that it was in fact my Dad all along that used to eat those peanuts Mum used to make me leave out by the chimney, apparently these were Santa’s favourites and if I wanted that new bike, well I had to do it.

Of course the rest of the year nuts are fiercely banned in the Taylor house, I mean can you just imagine my face when I found that one out.

I’d been had for years!! Having a nut allergy is the bane of my life!!

Anyway, now that I’m older, 20, Christmas is also the busiest time of the year, I DJ pretty much every night, playing the same old songs night after night and let me tell you that’s a lot of “Come on Eileen” and “New York, New York”, but that so much I don’t mind. I have to say, I am a bit of a creature of habit.

The thing that does really get me though, is working with drunk people every night, I mean I do DJ all year round but normally I get a week in between jobs to recover. It’s exhausting.

You see you get two types of drunk people; you get the ones who put the empty glasses on your speakers and dance really close to the front of your equipment and then they start to get more and more drunk until they fall onto your equipment and then it’s like a coconut shy, 50 points for a light, 100 points if they fall into your mixing desk taking the power out, subsequently causing the music to stop, and you will be amazed, as it can be anyone, this Christmas already it’s happened to me 3 times.

I had an old man of about 65 fall into me taking down everything, causing everyone to stop and pick him up, that was 200 points. Then I had a really annoying fat woman ending up at my feet taking out a light on the way, at least- 75points ;as for the third one, I don’t care to remember. Then I’m left to pick up the pieces and replace all the damaged bits for the following evening and by the time I’ve stopped off at Hadleigh Kebab on the way home I’ve payed out more than I’ve earnt.

The second type of drunk person is the one who wants to sing along to every track using your microphone; this is normally a balding middle aged man who thinks he does a fantastic version of the “Wonder of You”, and then under the same bracket you get the ones who think they know how to do your job better than you; for example wanting you to play the most obscure tracks that won’t fit with how the party is going, and then they come up and start looking through your records, at which point I kindly ask them to fuck off.

But although I may moan and complain like a grumpy old man, and protest that I would rather be at home, I’ve been at home now for the last week, doing absolutely nothing; it feels like every day has been a Sunday, all I have done is slept, eaten junk food and watched Toy Story, and it’s not as If I don’t have things to do.

I just have no motivation at the moment, I mean, I did manage to drag myself to the gym today, and I did even manage to do some work as opposed to talking to my friends for the whole time and looking at the girls, but even then on the way home I was compelled to have a KFC, which then renders the previous two hours a complete waste of time and at the moment I would quite happily go back to those drunk idiots, which is quite fortunate as I will be doing exactly that in about 4 hours time for tonight; the biggest planned letdown of the year.

Yes that’s the one; New Year’s Eve!

Merry Christmas